


'cause I've been in love with her for ages, and ages, and ages

by magnetichearts



Series: for you are not beside but within me [2]
Category: Never Have I Ever (TV)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst, Bickering, Developing Relationship, Domestic Bliss, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Kissing, Married Life, Teasing, and that's why this exists, i had the most fun writing this but you all know, it was not supposed to be this long and absolutely no one is surprised at my, ok so i'm addicted to this 'verse, zero word count control™️
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-03
Updated: 2020-06-03
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:22:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24529816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magnetichearts/pseuds/magnetichearts
Summary: “Wow, I got your blanket, huh?” she remarks, burying herself further into the couch cushions. “I must be pretty special.”“You’re one in a billion,” he laughs.“So there are six other people like me? Not cool, Gross. Don’t you know how to romance someone?”“Do you want to be romanced now?” he says dryly.“Don’t you know anything about women? They always want to be romanced,” Devi sighs, closing her eyes.or; 5 times ben takes care of devi, and the one time she takes care of him(title from “me & you together song” by the 1975)
Relationships: Ben Gross/Devi Vishwakumar
Series: for you are not beside but within me [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1772719
Comments: 10
Kudos: 140





	'cause I've been in love with her for ages, and ages, and ages

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys!!! i honestly didn't really expect myself to be back here so soon with another fic, and i never anticipated having another fic in this universe, but i cannot control my muse, so here we are. i love this universe so much, and i have more plans for fics in it swirling around in my brain, so i hope you not only enjoy this but stick around for more fics. this is incredibly sappy and cheesy and i'm here for that, so if that's not your shit feel free to turn away. 
> 
> **it is not necessary to have read the first fic in this series to understand this one, but highly recommended as it sets up the background for the world.**
> 
> i'd like to take a moment right now and talk about something more serious for a second. i'm sure the large majority of you know what is going on (if you're american, at least, or from north america) in the united states. the presence of police brutality in this country is abhorrent, and we need to do everything we can to stop it. [here](https://philtctos.tumblr.com/post/619684328131198976/spreading-awareness-is-the-only-first-step-i) is a comprehensive post in ways you can donate and help the cause, even if you can't donate. i urge you all to take up this cause and fight for it. it's noble, and it's far from over. if you have donated, protested, signed petitions, thank you, and i ask you send this link to other people in your life so they may support the cause as well. to all of my black readers, friends, members, i stand with you. i will be with you in this fight. blm. 
> 
> this got much longer than it was supposed to be, but, when does it not. i've never have any sort of word count control. i sincerely hope you all enjoy! 
> 
> k thank you byeeeeeeee!!!!

Devi wakes up with a pounding in her head and a sick feeling in the back of her throat. She barely thinks for a moment before she leaps out of bed and dashes to the bathroom, heaving what she thinks is her dinner into the toilet bowl, clutching her stomach. 

_ Fuck. _ She resists the urge to run her hand down her face and just tries to breathe. Maybe if she does that, she’ll feel a bit better. She does feel better now that she’s thrown up, but the nausea still coils in her stomach. 

Devi groans, running a hand through her limp hair. She feels like absolute, complete crap. She can immediately spot the signs of a stomach bug, she’s a goddamn doctor, for god’s sakes, but she can’t afford to miss a day of work. Hopefully this will pass by morning and she can just drag herself to the hospital. 

The hard part, of course, is making sure that Ben doesn’t notice. Now that she’s on regular rotation, they’ve been going into work together. No one else really knows about their relationship, because unlike TV, coworkers really don't care  _ that _ much about your personal life, as long as you get your work done. 

But she knows Ben, knows that if he sees her like this, he’s going to make her stay at home and recover, and she can’t afford for that to happen. It was a minor miracle she hadn’t woken him up, and that was only because he had been exhausted lately, sleeping deeply and for longer than usual. 

Devi picks herself up and flushes the toilet, splashing water in her face. When she looks at herself in the mirror, she winces in physical pain. She looks  _ terrible, _ hair tangled into a rat’s nest, face gaunt and pulled, eyes dark and sunken. She runs more water over her face, and then drags a brush through her hair, pulling it back into a ponytail away from her face. Her face still looks drawn, but she looks mildly better, at least. 

She shuts off the light in the bathroom and climbs back into bed. Ben’s still asleep, breathing softly, and she scoots to the edge of the bed, as far away from him as possible so that she doesn’t get him sick too. 

She knows she’ll likely have a fever, and the last thing she wants to do is give him this virus. But, sleeping it off should help her. She hopes. 

Despite her efforts to stay away from him, Devi’s  _ freezing, _ even under the covers, and Ben is like a fucking human furnace, she’s learned, and he’s right there. 

She futilely attempts to stay away from tucking herself into his side, lest she get him sick, but eventually just gives in, her body winning over her mind. She presses herself closer to him, her hand resting on his waist, and as she does, he turns his head towards her, still asleep. 

(her heart skips a beat, and devi chalks that up to the virus in her body now, but she smiles, closing her eyes and sighing. she doesn’t have to pretend, anymore. it’s perfectly acceptable for her to wake up like this) 

Devi drags herself out of bed in the morning almost sluggishly, leaning her head against the shower wall. Her wish that the virus will have simply been gone when she woke up in the morning is false, if the nausea in her stomach and the pounding in her head are any indication. 

She tips her head back, letting the water run over her face. It’s probably not the  _ best _ thing in the world to go in with a stomach bug, considering where she works, but she really doesn’t want to have to take off only a few months into her residency. She just has to make it through the commute with Ben. 

She stays in the shower for as long as humanly possible, but time drags on, as it must, and she forces herself to get dressed, pulling on her clothes and tossing her stethoscope into her bag. She really does feel like utter crap, but, doctors do make the worst patients, as she’s quickly learning. 

Devi walks into the kitchen, fighting off the urge to collapse onto the couch and sleep for thirty years, and sets her things down, pouring herself a cup of coffee. The coffee at least helps, if not in any other way than her mug is warm and she’s cold. 

“Morning,” Ben says, walking out of their office, fixing his watch to his wrist. 

“Morning,” Devi says back, but then her hand goes to her throat. Wow, she even  _ sounds _ terrible. Ben looks up instantly at the sound of her raspy voice. 

“Devi,” he says, his brow furrowing. “Are you ok?” 

She shakes her head. “I’m fine.” 

Ben frowns. “You are not fine. Come on, you’re staying home today.” 

“No!” she protests, and then instantly regrets it when her throat pulses in pain. “I’m fine.” 

“Devi, you do not look fine at  _ all. _ There’s no way you’re walking out the door today. Come on, go get changed. I’ll call into work sick for you.” 

“Ben,” she warns, her voice dangerously low, “seriously, I don’t need to call in today. I can’t afford to miss work.” 

He shakes his head, stepping closer to her and tilting her head up so he can look her in the eyes. “You look exhausted, you sound terrible, and don’t think I didn’t notice you spent longer than usual in the shower this morning. You’re staying home.” 

“Ben.” 

_ “Devi.” _

_ “Ben.” _

“This isn’t up for discussion, Devi,” he says. Ben frowns, cupping her jaw gently. “Come on, Devi. Please. You need to rest. Besides,” he argues. “If you rest now and recover, then you’ll be able to go back to work sooner since you’ve given your body time to fight off this virus.” 

Devi doesn’t want to, she really,  _ really _ doesn’t want to, but she knows that tone in Ben’s voice, so she just grumbles and goes back to their room to change. She does feel better with her pajamas on, granted, but she still doesn’t want to miss work. 

She shuffles out of the bedroom, a blanket draped over her like a cloak, to find Ben setting his phone down, jacket draped over one of the chairs around the table. 

“What are you doing?” 

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself, obviously,” he says, in that insufferable tone that makes her want to slap him. “I was just about to call in sick so that I could take care of you.” 

Devi scowls, even as her heart flutters at the gesture. “I don’t need you to take care of me, Ben.” 

He laughs, stepping closer to her and pressing his hand against her forehead. “Normally, I’d agree, but your forehead is on fire and you look horrible.” He narrows his eyes at her. “Did you throw up?” 

She shifts her eyes away, unable to lie to him, and he sighs. “That settles it. I’m staying.” 

“No, you’re not, Ben!” she says, stomping her foot like a petulant child. “I’m a doctor, I can take care of myself with a stomach bug. The fever’s just my body’s immune response to the virus. It wants to raise the temperature to denature the proteins in the virus so it can kill it, so I will be  _ fine. _ Just go to work.” 

Unluckily for her, she starts coughing right then, huge, wracking coughs that shake her whole body. “Ok,” Ben says, leading her over to the couch. “How about you just sit down and I’ll make you some tea?” 

Devi glares at him. “We don’t have tea. We’re not hipsters.” 

“Right.” 

“Please, Ben,” Devi groans. “Just go to work. I promise I’ll be ok.” 

He frowns, clearly warring with himself. “Devi, come on. For once, let me take care of you.” 

(but that’s the fucking  _ thing, _ it’s not just this one time, it’s constantly, ben always takes care of her, is always making sure she has what she needs and that she’s happy, and devi knows that he does it because he loves her, but after taking care of herself for so long and being so independent, she can’t help but feel that she’s taking advantage of him and his kindness, which is addictive, in a way. ben’s like a drug she doesn’t know how to kick) 

Devi sighs, leaning back into the soft, warm couch cushions. “Fine. But only for today. You can’t stay any longer, no matter how long I have to stay at home.” 

Ben sighs, brushing back a lock of tangled hair from her face. “Ok, Devi. Lie down and I’ll bring you some water. The best thing you can do is get a lot of rest and stay hydrated.” 

He’s not wrong, and even as every cell in Devi’s body is fighting against it, telling her to force him out the door to work, she’s more exhausted, and she wants to pass out, wants to sleep forever. She nods into his shoulder, and he presses a kiss to her hair as she lies down, draping his blanket over her. 

“Wow, I got your blanket, huh?” she remarks, burying herself further into the couch cushions. “I must be pretty special.” 

“You’re one in a billion,” he laughs. 

“So there are six other people like me? Not cool, Gross. Don’t you know how to romance someone?” 

“Do you want to be romanced now?” he says dryly.

“Don’t you know anything about women? They always want to be romanced,” Devi sighs, closing her eyes. 

She feels his hand press against her head, dragging it gently down her face, and however unconsciously, she leans into his touch, cool and warm at the same time, comforting. “I’ll be here if you need anything, Devi,” he whispers, before she feels his lips press against her forehead. 

She replays this over and over in her head until she falls asleep. 

When she wakes up, the pounding in her forehead has lessened, marginally, and she does feel a bit better, but her tongue tastes like sandpaper and she probably looks like a total mess. She pushes herself up on the couch, sitting up, and sees the water and medicine Ben’s laid out for her. She downs the water, and at least her tongue no longer feels like a piece of cardboard sitting in her mouth. 

Devi presses her fingers to her eyes and glances at the clock, jerking back in shock when she sees the time. Damn, she didn’t think she had slept for  _ that _ long. It’s already past noon.

As she’s swallowing the medicine, the front door opens, and Devi glances over to see Ben walking in, holding a bag in his hands. “Hey,” she groans. 

He looks over at her, his face brightening. “You’re up! How do you feel?” he asks, setting the bag down on the kitchen table. 

“Like a piece of shit, but fractionally better.” 

He nods. “Well, I have something that might cheer you up a bit.” 

“What?” 

He pulls something out of the bag. “Soup from Cal’s.” 

Devi gasps. “Oh my god, give me, now.” 

He laughs, bringing the soup and a spoon over. “I figured you would want something other than my cooking today.” 

Cal’s is one of their  _ favorite _ restaurants, but it’s so far away, nearly a 40 minute drive, and she can’t believe he drove that far just to get her her favorite meal when she was feeling sick. She takes the soup from him and gives him a soft smile. “Thank you.” 

“Of course. If anything can make you feel better, it’s Cal’s.” 

“Did you at least get something for yourself?” 

“Oh, please, David,” Ben smirks. “You didn’t think I was going to drive all the way to Cal’s and  _ not _ get my salad, was I?” 

She rolls her eyes. “I can’t believe you have the diet of an LA girl. Seriously, learn to eat some actual food.” 

Ben sticks his tongue out at her as he opens his salad. “That’s not true. I eat gluten.” 

Devi sighs as the soup runs down her throat, warm and soothing. “I can’t believe I had to miss work today. They’re going to think I’m slacking.” 

Ben rolls his eyes. “I don’t think anyone in the world can accuse you of slacking, Devi. Considering the amount of times I’ve had to drag you back to bed because you never fucking know when to sleep, I’d say you’re one of the hardest working people I know.” He flops down next to her on the couch, and she wants to lecture him about the importance of staying away from her so that he doesn’t catch whatever she has, but she can’t find it in herself to do so, not after he did all of this for her. 

Devi sips her soup and studies him. “Thank you,” she says. 

Ben glances at her as he grabs the remote. “What?” 

“Thank you,” she repeats. “You know, for taking care of me.” 

(the guilt is still there, but it’s hard to focus on that when he’s sitting next to her, when he’s been nothing but caring and loving and he’s just been there. she has a hard time opening up, letting people in, but the thing about ben is that he breaks down her walls, shatters her defenses, and by the time she’s realized he’s dug his way into her heart, she can’t bear to force him out and put those walls up again) 

He smiles at her, in that soft and stupidly sappy way that makes her want to kiss him. “Any time, Devi.” 

She reaches up a hand and cups his cheek, fingers brushing over the curve of his cheek, the dip of his mouth. “I love you.” 

He smiles. “I love you too.” 

She leans forward to kiss him, but is stopped by the press of his fingers against her lips. “What?” she mumbles, against his hand. 

“As much as I really want to kiss you right now, I don’t think that’s exactly the best option with you sick.” 

Devi pouts. “But I wanna kiss you.” 

He chuckles. “And I would love that, if you weren’t sick. Come on, the last thing you want to do is get me sick, right?”

Devi shrugs. “I mean, not exactly the last thing. Come on, Ben,” she pleads. She wants to kiss him  _ so bad, _ feeling the soothing touch of his fingers against her cheek, the soft press of his mouth against hers, but he shakes his head. 

“When you’re better, I promise. Then, I can kiss you all you want.” 

“I’m holding you to that.” 

“Gladly. Now,” he says, settling next to her. She leans into his side and sips her soup as he flicks through the TV channels, “what do you want to watch?” 

_ “When Harry Met Sally.” _

He glances at her. “Seriously?” 

She shrugs, dipping her spoon into her bowl. “Yeah. It’s a classic.” 

Ben smiles, pressing a kiss to the crown of her head. “Whatever you want.” 

“You’re not going to fight me on it?” 

“You’re sick, and it’s the least I can do.” 

She smiles at him, watching as the opening title flashes across the screen. “You love this movie, don’t even pretend.” 

“I love you, and that’s why I’m watching this movie.” 

* * *

Devi rubs her eyes as she unlocks the door to their apartment, yawning as she steps in. Her stomach aches with hunger, but she’s so tired she’s tempted to fall straight into bed and sleep for ten hours. Thank god tomorrow is her day off, because for the past week, she hasn’t eaten anything other than the occasional apple. 

She drops her keys into the bowl and shuts the door behind her, locking it. She’s impressed on Ben the importance of a neat house, (ironic, considering he keeps it cleaner than she does) but she can’t be bothered to follow her own advice as she drops her jacket and purse on the table. 

“Hey,” Ben says, walking out of their bedroom. She glances over at him as he slips his arms around her waist and pulls her back to him, pressing a soft kiss to her shoulder. 

“Hi,” she mumbles back. 

“Long day?” 

“When is it not?” she sighs, closing her eyes. Relief pulses through her and she thinks she might fall asleep right here, standing straight up. 

Ben hums and presses a kiss to her cheek. “Come on,” he says. “You have to eat something.” 

Devi whines, keeping her eyes closed as she presses her face into his neck. “Wanna sleep.” 

“I know you do. But you gotta eat first, ok?” 

She groans, but opens her eyes and lets him sit her down at the kitchen table. “We don’t even have anything to eat,” she complains, pressing the heels of her hands against her eyes.

“Think again,” Ben says. 

Devi takes her hands off her eyes to find paneer butter masala and garlic naan in front of her, her favorite. “Ben,” she sighs, her eyes widening. “How did you make this?” 

He smirks, sitting in his chair. “I’m just that amazing.” 

She raises an eyebrow.

“Ok, I bought the naan and I had your mother on Facetime with me for like, three hours walking me through how to make the paneer,” he confesses. 

Devi laughs. “Still,” she says, patting his cheek, “I appreciate the effort.” 

Surprisingly, it’s pretty decent, not quite as good as her mother’s because Devi’s come to the conclusion that no Indian food would be as good as her mother’s, but still pretty decent. And plus, it’s more about the fact that Ben had thought so far ahead so as to spend time with her mother over Facetime to cook for her, she loves him all the more for that. 

(she thinks she falls in love with him even more each day, in the way he smiles and the way his hand curves around her own, in the way his fingers trail over her cheekbones as he kisses her, in the way he laughs and with his terrible jokes, in the way his heartbeat presses against her cheek as he falls asleep, even in the way he smirks and the way he does things that annoy her and piss her off, because they’re a part of  _ him, _ and devi loves that) 

“I love you,” she breathes. 

“I love you too.” 

“Not you,” she laughs. “I was talking to the food.” 

Ben raises an eyebrow, smirking. “Really?” 

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be? It’s like, the first meal I’ve had in days.” 

“Oh, well, excuse me, then—” 

She cuts him off with a kiss, fingers smoothing over the scruff of his cheek and thumb tracing underneath his eyes. His mouth presses against hers gently, not as if she’s delicate, but as if she’s something to be savored. It’s soft and languid, and she sighs into his mouth, content.

When she kisses Ben, she thinks it is rather like the stories of old, like the songs people would sing of brave warriors returning home to their lady loves. Ben is not a warrior, and she is not a lady, but kissing him, it is like coming home, it is like coming to a place of total and utter joy. 

Devi pulls away after a moment, smiling. “Thank you.” 

Ben runs his tongue over his lips, brow furrowed in thought. “You taste spicy.” 

Devi bursts out laughing. “Still? You still think Indian food is spicy?” 

“Hey! Don’t get mad at me. You know I’m right.” 

Devi sighs, running a hand through the frizzy mess that is her hair. “Normally, I’d argue, but honestly, I’m too tired.”

“Yeah, I get that,” Ben says. “Come on. Let’s go to bed.” 

Devi gets up and starts to put the plate into the sink, but Ben stops her. “I got this. You go sleep.” 

“Ben, no,” she protests. “You’ve already done so much. I’m not incapable of putting my own dishes away.” 

“I know you aren’t, David, but I’m worried you might fall asleep at the sink. Go. Please?” He looks at her with those damned blue eyes, those eyes she fell in love with and those eyes that are her one and only weakness. She hates it when he looks at her like that, bright and shining, so clearly full of affection, because she can’t do anything but give into him.

“Fine.” 

She leaves him to finish up the dishes and sighs as she changes into her pajamas, soft and cool against her skin. Devi brushes her teeth and runs a brush through her hair before flopping into her bed, exhausted. 

She feels the dip of the bed as Ben climbs into next to her, and she turns around so she’s on her back. “Why did you do this for me?” 

He gives her a confused look as he switches off the light. “I love you, that’s why.” 

Devi nods. “I mean, I know that, but still. Why?” 

“Is that not reason enough?” 

She frowns. “I mean, I guess?” 

Ben reaches over and brushes a lock of hair away from her face. “When you’re happy, I’m happy. Plus, that’s what marriage is, Devi. It’s two people learning to live together and take care of each other.” 

“But, I feel like you do so much more for me than I do for you.” 

Ben shakes his head. “I’m only going to say this once, Devi, but, this isn’t a competition. You don’t need to do more things for me than I do for you. It’s not a game, it’s  _ life. _ I don’t expect anything in return when I take care of you because I’m not doing it for anyone else but you. I want to do these things for you because it makes you happy. Besides,” he says, cupping her cheek, “you take care of me in more ways than you know. Just because it’s not as obvious doesn’t mean I appreciate it any less.” 

He leans down and kisses her then, and she curls her hand around his neck to pull him closer. Kissing Ben was like falling into a vortex, a black hole even, where space and time where mere concepts, where nothing was real. When she is with him, the realest thing in the world is him, and so she grounds herself in his touch and the way his nose brushes against hers, the way his lips soothe her. 

She tilts her mouth slightly and deepens the kiss, memorizing the way he smells, the feeling of his shirt under her palm, the way his tongue sweeps against her lower lip and the way he smiles as he kisses her. 

He shifts then so that he’s pressing her into the mattress, hands trailing down her body to settle at her waist, and Devi can feel the pounding of his heart, through his chest, echoing in her own body. 

His mouth is hot against hers, but  _ incredibly, _ impossibly soft, and it makes her head spin like she’s been drugged, making her dizzy from more than the disappearing oxygen from her lungs. 

His lips leave her own to press a trail of kisses across her cheeks, scattering them like stars over her face, and she wants badly for him to pull back so she can do the same to him, to chisel him into her memory and feel him under her hands. 

Ben buries his face in her neck and gently presses a few butterfly kisses there before he looks at her again. “Hi.” 

Devi reaches up and traces the curve of his nose with her finger. “Hi,” she says back, or tries to, before it’s broken by a yawn. 

Ben laughs, rolling off of her and onto his side of the bed. “Why don’t we sleep?”

She smirks then, slinging her leg over his and her hand over his waist to tuck herself into his side. “Finally. I was wondering when you would stop kissing me so that I could catch some shut eye.” 

He quirks an eyebrow at her, and she realizes she’s poked a bear that probably shouldn’t be poked before he leans over and covers her mouth with his. 

Unlike the last kiss, which was soft, and sent happiness through her like molasses, this one is harder, deeper, and it draws a hunger out of Devi that she’s not sure she can control. He kisses her like a starving man, and she’s a feast, and immediately the fire springs to life in her veins. He presses two fingers underneath her chin, making her head tilt in such a way so that he can kiss her even harder, his tongue brushing across the seam of her lips before sweeping into her mouth in a way that makes her head spin. 

She clutches his shoulders as he kisses her, kisses the very breath from her lungs, and yet, even as her lungs burn for oxygen, she wants more, wants to keep kissing him in a way that sets her aflame. 

And the more she gives to him, the harder she kisses him back, the more he takes; like a fire, burning bright and greedily taking all of the oxygen in the room.

Then, he pulls away, and it’s like a bucket of cold water is doused on her head. She gasps, and stares at him, sure her pupils are blown wide. “Well,” he says casually, as if he’d pressed a kiss to her cheek. “Time to sleep.” 

He settles back down and closes his eyes as she glares at him, only opening them when she whacks him in the chest. 

“What?” he asks, smirking. 

Devi’s well aware Ben knows what he’s doing, and what she hates even more is that it’s kinda hot to her. She never thought she’d be into a cocky asshole, but maybe she’s just into everything Ben. 

“I hate your guts,” she mutters, hating that the words don’t have the same bite as they used to considering she’s draped over him like an octopus.

He taps her on the nose. “I’ll make it up to you in the morning.” 

“You better,” she yawns, her eyes drifting shut as sleep starts to overcome her. 

“I promise.” 

She falls asleep to the sound of his heartbeat, low and steady against her cheek. 

* * *

Devi brushes back the tear that falls down her cheek as she takes in a deep breath, forcing herself to focus on the medical journals in front of her. She likes to keep up on the latest developments in medicine, since it’s a continually changing science, but after the day’s she’s had, she finds it hard to do anything other than cry. 

No. She can do this. She can pull herself together. Enough to seem normal, at least. 

She’s been through this before too. It’s not an unusual event, and it’s something that she should be used to.

But every time, it doesn’t get easier. She wonders if it ever will. 

Devi rubs her eyes and attempts to focus on the papers in front of her, but fails. She reads the same three sentences over and over again, barely absorbing any of the information, until she hears the tell tale click of the lock as Ben enters the house. 

“Hey Devi,” she hears. “I was thinking maybe we could do something different for dinner tonight. Maybe get some takeout?” 

She turns to look at him to hear his suggestions for dinner, but the second she sees him she’s viscerally reminded of what happened today, and she can’t breathe, she can’t fucking breathe, and she needs him. 

She stands up and walks towards him, and he looks up from where he’s flipping through takeout menus. 

“I was in the mood for Chinese, but Thai could also be—” 

She tugs him down and kisses him hard, pulling him close to her, her body flush against his. 

He reciprocates instantly, one hand going to her hair as the other curls around her waist, and he matches her perfectly, in sync, kissing her as passionately as she’s kissing him. 

Ben’s always been her equal, as much as she doesn’t want to admit it, but he gives as good as he gets, his tongue sweeping into her mouth, drawing a whimper out of her. 

She kisses him greedily, because she’s never ever felt this way before and she needs this, needs this reassurance that he’s alive and here with her, his heart beating, she needs to know that he’s ok.

There’s a desperate edge of the way she kisses him, but he doesn’t question it, and then he shifts and walks forward so he’s pressing her against the wall, his mouth never leaving hers. His hand sweeps up from her waist so that his arm curls around her back more securely, his hand settling between her shoulder blades, pulling her impossibly closer.

(there’s not an atom of space between the two of them, and although devi knows this goes against the very laws of physics, because energy cannot be created or destroyed, she’s sure that when ben kisses her they create their own little corner of the universe, their own galaxy to be in, a chaotic, stunning explosion of energy) 

He kisses her, and new galaxies spring from her sighs, planets created in the wake of his touch. She feels celestial with him, like she’s been transported to another plane. 

She kisses him like she’s a inferno and he’s oxygen, like he is the only thing that exists, wanting every last scrap of him she can get. His lips are soft and hot against her own, and she must be a blaze, because his touch always sets her aflame, like a forest fire, destruction for the cause of regeneration. 

(devi does not believe in fairy tales and in mythology, but when ben kisses her, she thinks she for once, finally understands the legend of the phoenix, bursting into ashes only to come alive once more; and she finds a measure of rebirth in the way he touches her, in the way his mouth presses against hers, and there is a tragic, violent sort of beauty in the way her body reacts to him, in extremes)

He fits so perfectly with her, body slotting into hers so exactly, that even though she does not believe in the concept of soulmates, Devi thinks he was made for her and she for him, in such a deep, undeniable way that she’s glad they found their way to each other. 

Eventually, as much as she despises it, she needs oxygen to breathe, if only so that she may continue kissing him, and she pulls back. He doesn’t let this deter him, though, and leans forward to scrap his teeth over her jaw, pulling a moan out of her. 

“What was that for?” he breathes, pressing kisses in between each word on her neck. He sucks at a spot just behind her jaw, hard enough so that she knows it will bloom purple later, but she can’t find it in herself to care. 

Devi ignores him, partially because she doesn’t want to tell him why, but also because she can’t think when he’s touching her like this, when she can feel his breath on her skin and when she can hear the blood pounding her ears. Her head spins, and she grapples with an excuse, something so that she doesn’t have to be honest. 

(and yes, she knows that lying to him is probably not the best course of action, but it’s less so about ben and more about her, because saying it makes it real, telling him means she must speak it into the universe and devi’s still sort of holding on to the childish thought that if she doesn’t say it, it’s not real) 

“No reason,” she gasps, as his fingers flex on her back, pressing her into him. 

Ben pulls back then, frowning. “You never kiss me like that when I come home from work.” 

She narrows her eyes at him. “What, do you want me to stop? Cause I can.” 

Ben shakes his head. “Stop deflecting, Devi. That’s not what I meant, and you know it. Come on. You can talk to me.” He runs a hand down her arm, lacing their fingers together, and the knot in Devi’s chest loosens, so much so that she chokes back a sob. 

Ben’s face immediately morphs from one of simple concern to worry. “Devi, what’s wrong?” He steps back as if to give her some room, but she fists her hands in his shirt and pulls him closer, desperate to keep him here with her. 

If he’s here, then she can take care of him, then she knows he’s safe and nothing can ever happen to him. 

She doesn’t want to let him out of her sight. 

“Devi, Devi, you’re shaking,” Ben says. He runs his hand down up back, rubbing soothing circles into her back. “Come on, let’s go sit down on the couch.” 

He leads her over to their couch and sits next to her, his hand never letting go of hers. “Take your time.” 

Devi clutches his hand and breathes. Why the  _ fuck _ was she acting like this? This wasn’t even the first time this had happened, so there was no reason for her to be acting like an intern, like this was the first time this had happened. 

Ben’s thumb rubs circles into the back of her hand, and it’s so soothing she wants to melt into him and never, ever leave, never face the real world again. It’s tempting, so tempting she can hardly think about anything else, but she takes a deep breath and forces herself to speak. 

“I lost a patient today. It wasn’t even a kid, just an older woman. A librarian, I think.” 

Devi feels the tears burn in her eyes, but forces them back. “And, it’s not like TV. I mean, I knew she was going to die. I  _ knew _ it, we all did, she was so sick, but I just. I guess I was hoping for a miracle that wasn’t going to come.” 

Devi can still remember the horrible, wracking breath the woman had let out, the way her skin had turned sickly pale and deathly, the way she seemed to sink in on herself. 

“And this isn’t even—it’s not even the first time that I’ve lost a patient, hardly it, in fact, but—but she was a person. She was a wife, had a family. She had two kids. And now they don’t have a mother because we couldn’t do anything, because  _ I _ couldn’t do anything.” 

She curls in on herself then, tears winning over and dripping down her face. “And—and she knew she was dying too. But she kept telling me I needed to read this book, she kept talking to me, until she got so weak she couldn’t talk anymore. I watched as she died, Ben. I had to hear her family cry.” 

He draws her closer then, and she buries her face in his chest, feeling guilty all the while. “I couldn’t do anything. I just—I just had to sit there and watch her die.” 

“I’m sorry, Devi,” he says. 

“I  _ needed _ to do something, Ben. What’s the point? What’s the point of being a fucking doctor and studying so hard and having this degree if I can’t save someone? I don’t want to sit and watch someone die. I can’t.” 

She feels his hand brush against her cheek, and she glances up to find him looking at her. “You can’t save everyone, Devi. Not only are we not there yet, you’re going to kill yourself if you try. I know you want to, after what happened with your dad, but it’s just not possible. And I know that’s hard for you to accept, but that’s how it is.” 

“What the fuck, Ben?” she snaps, pulling herself away from him. “What the hell kind of bullshit is that? I became a doctor so I could  _ help _ people, so that no one else had to go through what I did with my dad. I wanted to save someone because I couldn’t save him. And now you’re telling me I can’t?” 

He shakes his head. “No, Devi. I know you can. In fact, you already have. But I’m saying you can’t save everyone. There are people you’re going to lose because medicine is just not there yet. It takes time. But even take a look at where we were in the 1970s versus now. You’re going to save new people every day. And I know this loss hurts, but Devi, you have to let it hurt, because that’s the only way it’s going to heal.” 

Her face crumples. “I just wanted to save this one woman.” 

“I know, Devi. But there are some things you just can’t change. But I can promise you this.” He tilts her chin up so she looks him in the eyes. “You’ve saved way more people than you’ve lost. Even if you don’t know it, even if it didn’t happen in a big way, you’ve saved someone’s life by being their doctor. You work too hard for me to even think for a second otherwise. And you care too much for me to think that you don’t put everything into your patients.” 

She doesn’t say anything then, not until she knows she can get out a few words without bursting into tears. It takes her almost ten minutes to work up the courage.

“Ben?” she says, voice small and muffled by his shirt. 

“Yeah?” 

“Will you sit with me?” 

Ben sighs, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “Of course, Devi. You don’t ever have to ask.” 

She presses herself into his side and closes her eyes. “Do you really think I’m making a difference?” 

“I know you are.” 

“I just—I don’t want to lose you,” she admits. She turns her face away from him, thinking that if she doesn’t look him in the eyes, it’ll be a little easier to confess one of her biggest fears. 

“You’re not going to lose me, Devi.” 

“You don’t know that, though. You can’t guarantee anything.” 

“Ok, you’re right. But you can’t be afraid of losing me.” 

“I’m always going to be afraid of that, Ben,” she says softly, clutching him tighter, if unconsciously. “There are so many ways I could lose you, and if I’m not there, if I can’t save you like I couldn’t save my dad—”

“Devi, Devi,” he says, cutting her off. “Look.” He frames her face with his hands and pulls her close to him. “I love you. I love you, Devi, but you can’t think like that. You’re going to drive yourself insane.” 

“Do you even know what losing you would do to me?” she asks, her voice barely more than a whisper. 

“Probably what losing you would do to me, Devi. But you have to let go of that.” 

She reaches out with a shaking hand and presses it to his chest, feeling the steady beat of his heart underneath her palm. “I don’t know how to. All I see is death, Ben. I see so many people dead and dying. I don’t want that to happen to you.” 

Ben closes his eyes—as if he’s in pain—and then opens them once more. “I can't guarantee that nothing’s going to happen to me, Devi. But life is so  _ short, _ Devi. You don’t want to spend it worrying about maybes. Then you’ll miss what’s happening now.” 

Devi leans forward, touching her forehead to his. “I’ll try.” 

“That’s all I want you to do.” 

She wants to stay where Ben is here with her, and she can assure herself of the strong, steady thud of his heartbeat and the way his breath drafts over her face, where he is pressed against her, alive, and she does not have to worry about anything happening to him. Because that is what she does, she worries. She is terrified of losing people, and to be terrified of an inevitability is to be scared of your own shadow, to have an unseen ghost haunting you. 

She doesn’t want to move then, wants to drown out the world and stay here, where she is safe and everything is perfect and ok, where nothing is wrong with the world, where she doesn’t have to worry about anything else and she doesn’t have blood on her hands. 

(because no matter how much ben helps her—and he  _ does _ help her—she still cannot help but feel like she has blood on her hands, that she has failed in some way, and devi does not know if this feeling will ever go away, because it seems like everyone she loses—family, patients, friends—is just another etch in her DNA code, another mistake in her genes) 

She lifts her head up and locks eyes with Ben. “I’m sorry for yelling at you.” 

He shakes his head. “No, you don’t have to be. I get it. It’s stressful.” 

She frowns. “But I had no right to yell at you like that.” 

“Yeah, but it’s fine. I’m not going to be mad at you for that. What kind of person would I be if I was?” 

“Still. Thanks.” 

He leans forward and brushes his lips over the curve of her cheek, soft as the wings of a butterfly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” 

“Are you hungry?” 

She shakes her head. “I don’t really feel like eating right now. Just, sit here with me, please.”

“For as long as you’ll have me.” 

* * *

Devi flips over the papers in front of her and scribbles something down, fighting back a yawn as she does so. The clock on the wall indicates it’s well past 2 am, but she can’t go to sleep quite yet, as she’s not done with reviewing her work for today. 

Fuck, whoever decided that residency was a thing should be murdered. She’s exhausted. 

Devi shakes her head to try and wake herself up and focuses back on her charts. Her eyes blurring with tears as she yawns once more. 

Over the past week, the amount of sleep she had gotten was nothing short of abysmal. Devi’s schedule had gone from sleeping a somewhat healthy amount to sleeping infrequently, catching a few hours at night when she could before getting up the next morning to do it all again. She’s somewhere in the realm of 25 hours of sleep in the past 7 days, which is definitely incredibly unhealthy, but an occupational hazard. 

She feels like Sisyphus, rolling the rock up the hill only to have it come rolling back down, flattening her in the process, and yet she is still doomed to pick herself up and get back to work. 

And while she’s likely not absorbing anything concrete, studying while so exhausted, she simply can’t risk going to bed early and not being prepared for work tomorrow. She has a reputation to keep up, intelligent and quick on her feet, and she’s not going to let anyone take away the top spot from her. She’s the best resident they’ve got, and she’s determined to keep it that way. 

Still, Devi’s brain aches for her to sleep, and every time she blinks, her eyes ache with the need to be closed. The lack of sleep is catching up to her in a very bad way. 

She squeezes her eyes shut and then opens them, trying to focus on the paper in front of her, and stifles a yawn. 

Once she’s started, though, it seems like a thousand yawns are coming out, and she runs her hand down her face, closing her eyes for a second. 

Her head feels like it’s stuffed with cotton when she comes back to consciousness again, like she’s trapped in a sea of molasses and she’s moving sluggishly. She blearily blinks open her eyes, caught off guard before Devi realizes her cheek is pressed against her desk and her papers are crumpled underneath her own body. 

She stretches and sits up, rubbing at her eyes. How long had she slept? How much time did she lose? She glances at the clock and sighs in relief when she sees it’s 3 am. She hadn’t slept long then, not long enough for her to lose a good amount of time studying. She’d get less sleep than normal, as she still had about 30 minutes of things she wanted to get through to appease herself. 

Devi’s head hangs in her hands as her eyes scan over the paper again and again, and she’s so absorbed in futilely trying to understand and commit difficult scientific terms to memory she nearly leaps out of her own skin when a hand touches her shoulder. 

“Whoa,” Ben says, backing away from her. “Sorry. I didn’t mean to startle you.” 

Devi’s heart is pounding, and she presses a hand to her chest to calm herself down. “No, it’s fine, Ben.” She yawns as she looks at him, rumpled, clearly having just woken up. “What’s wrong?” 

He raises an eyebrow at her. “What’s wrong? What’s wrong is that my wife promised me she’d come to bed, I don’t know, three hours ago?” 

Devi groans, dropping her forehead against his arm. “I can’t, Ben. I have to stay up and do this. Please.” 

His other hand comes up and rubs soothing circles into the stiff muscles in the back of her neck, and she tries to swallow a moan. Fuck, that feels  _ amazing. _ “Devi, you have to sleep. You’ve barely gotten any all week.” 

“I’m a resident, Ben. Sleep deprivation is part of the job description.” 

He crouches down then so she’s looking down at him. “I don’t think working yourself to the bone is good for you, Devi.” 

“I have to be the best, Gross,” she snaps. “And that means working harder and longer than anyone else there.” 

His hand comes up to trace the line of her jaw, fingers digging into her hair as his thumb gently brushes over her eye before settling on the edge of her cheekbone. It’s so soothing she can’t help but lean into it, closing her eyes. 

“You’re already the best, Devi. Working until you drop isn’t going to change that. Please, come back to bed.” 

“I can’t.” 

“You can.” He smooths his thumb under her cheek, and it’s not fair because all she wants to do is fall into him and sleep for a million years. 

(if devi believed in magic, she would say there is something captivating about ben, the way he manages to entrance her and draw her in, the way she always wants to tumble into his arms and the way he makes her feel, like she is leaping off of the highest ledge in the world, putting herself into free fall. there is no other word for it than magic, because how else could he make her feel like this, like how she thinks a planet feels when it is being sucked into a black hole, helpless to do anything but succumb to overwhelming gravity)

She curls her hand around his wrist and looks at him in his eyes. 

Brilliantly blue, full of worry and affection for her. She wants to resist him, badly, but what she wants more than that is to fall asleep curled around him, to take a break and relax for once in her life. 

“I need to be perfect, Ben. The better I am, the less patients I’ll lose and the more people I can help.” She’s something of a workaholic, she knows, but she can’t help it. 

Ben’s gaze drags from her eyes to her mouth, and his thump presses against the edge of her lip. “You won’t be helping anyone if you pass out while at work, Devi. Come on. Come back to bed.” 

The protest is on the tip of her tongue, but she’s so tired, and so she leans forward, pressing her forehead against Ben’s shoulder. “Ok.” 

His hand drags down her back and he gently pulls her towards him, as he stands up. She sways on her feet, tired enough to pass out standing straight up. 

Ben guides her gently to the bedroom, and even then her eyes blur with exhaustion, so much so that she trips over her own two feet climbing into bed. It’s blissfully dark in their room, and she can’t help but sink back into the bed and groan. 

She rolls over so that she’s on her stomach, propping herself up enough to look down at Ben as he climbs in next to her. “Thanks for making sure I’m ok.” 

He brushes back her hair, hanging around them like a curtain. “Anytime, Devi.” 

She leans down and just brushes her lips against his, feather soft, and he smiles at her as she pulls away, tracing her features with his fingertips like she’s done so many times before to him. There’s something impossibly quiet about them right now, him still lost in the throes of sleep, her about to join him. 

(a peace she doesn’t want to shatter, she thinks, because he she moves, if she breathes too loudly or flinches wrong, then this will break, this moment of tranquility they have built. it is like an egg on top of a spire, precariously held in place, and the wrong whisper of a gust of wind could break everything)

But what she has with him is nothing so fragile as that, nothing so foolishly broken and so easily destroyed. 

She buries her face in his neck and mumbles, “love you.” 

She feels his laugh more than she hears it. “I love you too.” 

He falls asleep before she does, unusual considering how exhausted she is, but she can’t take her eyes off of him. Even in sleep, he’s impossibly handsome, and she’s still hopelessly, pathetically, impossibly in love with him. 

She traces his features with her fingertips and waits for sleep to claim her as well. 

* * *

“No, Mom, I’m fine. I’ve been eating every day,” Devi says, resisting the urge to roll her eyes. 

Nalini frowns at her through the computer screen. “You work so hard, Devi. And you look so skinny and tired. Is that husband of yours actually doing anything?” 

Devi smirks. Her mom pretends she doesn’t like Ben when she actually somewhat approves of him, which, in Indian mom speak, is as close to unconditional love as the person married to her daughter is ever going to get. 

“You know his name, Mom.” 

“Doesn’t mean I need to use it. Where is he, by the way?” 

“In the shower, Mom. You can call him Ben.” 

Nalini purses her lips in that severe way her mom does when she’s trying not to be too judgemental, but she’s being judgemental all the same. “Not when my daughter calls me looking like that.” 

Devi laughs. “Yes, Mom, he’s doing something. He’s actually taking care of me. You know, as much as I’m letting him.” 

Nalini shakes her head. “He needs to try harder, clearly. You know how you get when you’re working.” 

“I’ll tell him that, Mom. How’s Kamala?” 

“She’s fine,” Nalini says, smiling a little at the mention of Devi’s cousin. “You know, happily married, trailblazing in her career, making the rest of us look bad all the while.” 

Devi smiles fondly at the mention of Kamala. After she had come to live with them in the wake of her father’s death, Devi hadn’t liked her, at first. Not only was Kamala a constant reminder than her father  _ wasn’t _ there with them, she was stunning, a fact teenage Devi had been sickeningly jealous of, and intelligent to boot. Devi had hated her, mostly because she was everything Devi wanted to be and would never be. 

It had taken time, though, but eventually she had started to realize Kamala was human as well, someone flawed who wanted to do the best but wasn’t sure how. And while she was still a little too meek for Devi’s tastes, she was someone who Devi now loved, and trusted. She’d never had a sister before, but with Kamala, Devi thinks that’s what it would have been like. 

(and devi has grown, she likes to think, since she’s first met kamala, and she no longer sees her as a rival but as a friend, a sister, a companion, in all the ways that she needs, because kamala understands things no one else in the world seems to, something devi now realizes is far more precious that she previously thought) 

“Her wings haven’t fallen off yet?” Devi quips. 

Nalini raises her eyebrow. “God himself thinks she’s an angel. Now, tell me about your residency? What kind of cases do they have you looking at? Any idea what you want to specialize in?” 

They chat for a bit longer, Devi going through her day and debating the pros and cons of the different fields she wants to specialize in with her mother. Since her father died of a heart attack, Devi’s thinking about cardiology, but there’s already so many people who want to do that, and so infectious disease is a big contender for her as well. 

She says her goodbyes to her mom and then closes the laptop. She misses her mom, so much, sometimes. 

Nalini is...not the easiest person to get along with, to say the least, but she’s still Devi’s mom. She’ll always be Devi’s mom, and she’s one of the people Devi’s sure she loves most in the world. They had never understood each other when she was younger, her father always mediating between the two of them to try and keep the peace. 

But after his death there was no way for them to live with each other unless they changed some things. Her mother had eased up on her—the slightest bit, of course—and Devi had made more of an effort to understand her mom. They had gotten a lot closer, as a result, and now, living so far away from her mother, it’s hard. 

Devi smiles sadly. She misses her mom, like a physical ache. Not like she misses her father, a surge and subside of grief that comes in like the tide and ebbs out, something that’s impossible to ever truly get rid of, but a sharper kind of pain, the kind you feel when gravel digs into a skinned knee or when hand sanitizer gets into a paper cut. If you think about it, it hurts all the more. 

She bites her lip and pushes the thoughts away. She’ll see her mother soon, and she just talked to her. It’s fine. 

Devi’s phone buzzes by her lap, and she picks it up to see a call from Eleanor. Who called anyone anymore? And why was El calling her? 

Regardless, she picks it up. “Hey El,” she says, standing up and shoving her hand into her jeans pocket. “What’s up?” 

“Open your door,” El says.

“Uh, why?” 

“Just do it!” she chirps. 

Devi shuffles over to her door, opening it to find her two best friends standing behind it. “Surprise!” El says. 

“I told her to just knock, but she wanted to be theatrical,” Fab adds. 

“Guys,” Devi laughs, ending the call and stuffing the phone in her pocket. “What are you doing here?” 

“Ben called us,” El says, walking into the room. She drops a bag on the kitchen counter. “Said you needed your friends.” 

Devi arches an eyebrow. “What?” 

Fabiola shrugs. “Yeah. He said you’d been working really hard and you needed a break. We knew that was true.” 

“You’ve probably gone insane just talking to him,” Eleanor laughs. “I know I would.” 

Devi snickers. “You’re not wrong.” 

“That’s incredibly insulting to say when I’m right here,” Ben says, walking out of their bedroom. His hair is damp, and like it does when he lets it dry, curls at the ends. 

“You’re not going to be here for much longer, are you?” she asks. 

“Of course not. I know better than to crash girls’ night. I’ll get out of your hair right away. Let me just grab my jacket.” 

“We’re going to set up in the kitchen, Devi,” Eleanor says. 

“I’ve got this really interesting new ratio for margarita drinks. It’s supposed to make them even better,” Fabiola says. “One of my coworkers in R&D suggested it to me.” 

“I wasn’t aware people who worked with you had lives,” Eleanor quips, smirking. “Don’t you all just play with your robots and forget to interact with actual human beings?” 

“Says the woman who prefers watching bootleg musicals over going to parties.” 

Devi lets them squabble and steps over to the door as Ben shrugs on his jacket, picking up his keys. She runs a hand down his arm and smiles at him. “You called them here for me.” 

He nods. “Yeah. You need your friends, and I know because you’ve been so busy you haven’t talked to them lately. You must miss them. So I called them and asked to meet you for a girls’ night. I figured you could use it.” 

She narrows her eyes at him. “How do you always seem to know what I want before I do?” 

He smirks. “It comes with being as amazing as I am, David.” 

“Amazing enough to trip over a pile of clothes and plant face first onto our coffee table?” she deadpans, referring to something that happened last week. 

Ben’s face colors pink, but he just shakes his head. “When will you understand I actually know you, Devi? It’s something that happens with marriage.” 

He leans in and presses a quick kiss to her lips. “Have fun, will you?” 

“Don’t come back and maybe we will,” she smirks. 

“Please, you know it’s not a real party without me. Love you,” he calls, closing the door. 

“I love you too,” she says softly, as it swings shut. 

(there is something steady about the way she loves him, even when he sets her aflame, it’s like the eternal fire of youth, always burning, always warming her; even now, even as he leaves her her heart aches (ever so slightly) at the sight, she’s happy, she’s content, and their love spreads through her veins warmly, branching out from her heart) 

She walks back into the kitchen to find Eleanor and Fabiola mixing drinks on the kitchen table. “So,” El says, as she glances up. “Are you guys done being absolutely sickening?” 

Devi rolls her eyes. “Don’t even pretend you don’t love it. Or do your two separate copies of  _ The Princess Bride _ beg to differ?” She smirks. 

Eleanor smiles. “Ok, fair enough. You guys are just  _ so  _ cute. It’s like watching Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds in front of me!” She claps her hands and jumps up and down. “It’s too bad this isn’t  _ When Harry Met Sally. _ I’d be Carrie Fisher then, for sure.” 

“She was in that movie?” Fab asks. 

“Oh yeah! She was Meg Ryan’s best friend. Come  _ on, _ Fabiola, she did things other than Star Wars.” 

Fabiola shrugs. “Did you know C3-PO is actually the character to have the most appearances in the franchise?” 

Eleanor rolls her eyes. “Of course you’d focus on the robot.” 

“C3-PO isn’t just a robot,” Fabiola insists. “He’s  _ the _ robot.” 

“Yeah, and besides, El,” Devi adds, “when the robots rise up and take over, we’re gonna want Fab on our side. She knows how to kill all of them.” 

Eleanor tilts her head in consideration. “Ok, fair enough.” 

Fabiola smiles, ducking her head down. “How’s it going with Eve, Fab?” Devi asks, sipping her drink. 

Fabiola had met Eve, who was one of the graphic artists designing the new logo for her company, and had instantly fallen head over heels. For weeks, all Fabiola would talk about was her, which Devi and Eleanor didn’t mind, because Fabiola had never gotten like this about someone before. They were happy for her, at least, and excited to hear all about this girl. 

Fab ducks her head, a bit shy. “I asked her out a few days ago.” 

Devi’s mouth drops open. “Fab! Oh my god!” She throws her arms around her best friend. “That’s amazing.”

“You guys are my new obsession,” Eleanor declares. 

“I thought that was Ben and I.” 

Eleanor waves her hand. “You guys are like, disgustingly married and boring now. No excitement there. Fab and Eve are new.” 

“I take  _ so _ much offense to that statement.” 

El shrugs, sipping her drink. “I’m not the one who stayed in for a movie on a Friday night instead of going out.” 

“I still defend my choice there.  _ Parasite _ is a great movie.” 

“Please,” Eleanor snorts. “Like I don’t already know that. You just wanted to make out with Ben.” 

Devi frowns, but doesn’t deny it. She turns to Fabiola instead. “So, Fab, where are you planning on taking her?” 

Fabiola throws her hands up. “I don’t know! I just like, panicked, cause she was staring at me and she’s  _ so _ pretty and I really wanted to ask her out, but now I have no idea where to go.”

“How about Cal’s?” Devi suggests. 

“Uh, no. That’s yours and Ben’s place. I need something for Eve and I to make my place.” 

“Ok, what is with you guys attacking me today?” Devi laughs. 

“You’re so happy, Devi,” Fab says. “If I’m half as happy as you, I think I’ll be good. I just need to do things a little differently.” 

Devi snorts. “Fuck yeah, you should. I definitely do  _ not _ recommend doing things the way Ben and I did.” 

“It was funny to watch, though,” Fab says, then winces. “Should I not have said that?” 

“I mean, she’s not lying. Come on, Devi, even you have to admit that.” 

“You’re right, El. Plus, it got me to where I am today.” 

“Stupidly sappy and pathetic. I swear, the look you get on your face when you’re thinking about Ben makes  _ me _ want to throw up, and I love romantic comedies.” 

“Hey!” 

Fab and El laugh, and Devi can literally  _ feel _ the tension leaching out of her body, letting her shoulders drop. Ben was right. She needed this, needed to laugh with her girls and spend some time with them. 

(because she loves her friends, in a way she loves no one else; there is something unique about the way they make her feel, like she belongs, and they understand her in a way no one else could ever hope to, even if she hasn’t been through everything with them, they are her sisters, a bond between them that devi thinks not even time can break)

She doesn’t know how Ben does it, how he manages to know everything about her; needs, wants, dislikes and desires before even she does, but it only makes her love him more, the clear affection showing in how he does the simplest things. She’s so grateful to him for even doing this for her, taking the initiative and showing her what she needs. 

Devi laughs as Eleanor recreates a particularly funny scene from her movie, and enjoys the way her stomach hurts with laughter and how her cheeks bloom with color. Right here, right now, there is some happiness, and she is going to memorialize it. 

* * *

She finds Ben sitting on the couch, sunset marring the sky red and purple. 

“Ben?” she asks. Devi sets her purse down and drops her jacket on the table, an uneasy feeling stirring in her gut. She can’t tell anything from the back of his head, but he’s quiet, far too quiet for her liking. 

She steps forward, and Ben comes into profile, staring at the phone in his hand. He doesn’t even look up at her. 

Devi feels bile rise in the back of her throat, worry flooding her entire body. “Ben? Ben, please.” 

She drops to her knees in front of him, cupping his face with her hands so that he actually looks her in the eyes. “Ben, what’s wrong?” 

His eyes, normally so sharp and always dancing with emotion, look glassy, devoid of any feeling as they stare into hers, and she can’t breathe, she’s so worried, this crushing weight settling on top of her lungs. “Ben.” 

He snaps back to reality then, seemingly blinking back into the real world, and jerks back from her as if he’s been burned. “Devi. Sorry.” 

She shakes her head. “Don’t worry about that. What’s wrong?” 

He shakes his head, pulling back from her, letting her hands fall to her sides, and she thinks her heart breaks. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it.” 

He tosses his phone on the couch and goes into the kitchen, running a hand over his face as he does so. 

To anyone else, he’d look fine. That was the heartbreaking thing about Ben, that he, unlike her, was a lot better at hiding his problems behind a screen, that he was better at shoving them down and keeping them hidden. But she can tell something’s wrong with him, something’s bothering him. And unlike him, Devi isn’t good at comfort. He always knows the right thing to say to make her feel better, and she just messes it up. 

But damn her if she isn’t going to try. 

“Ben, you can tell me,” she says, stepping towards him. “I promise.” 

“It’s not a big deal. Forget about it.” 

“Ben.” 

“Fucking hell, Devi!” he snaps, whirling around. “Didn’t you hear me the first time? It’s not a big deal.  _ Drop it.” _

She’s a little taken aback, in all honesty, because Ben has never,  _ never _ yelled at her, has barely even risen his voice the slightest bit, and Devi knows it is best to probably not poke a sleeping bear, but he is in pain, and it hurts her to see him like this, so she’s going to try what she can. 

She reaches a hand out, and although he flinches away from her touch at first, which makes her heart break a little more in her chest, he doesn’t move as she steps a bit closer, cupping his jaw. “Ben, talk to me.” 

His entire face crumples then, and he presses his face into her palm. “It’s really not a big deal, Devi. I promise you.” 

“Just because it’s not a big deal doesn’t mean that it’s not causing you pain. I promise, I won’t judge if you just tell me.” 

He swallows then, leaning against the kitchen counter. “I invited my parents over for dinner tonight.” 

Her eyes widen. “You did?” 

Ben laughs bitterly. “Yeah. They even said they’d come, you know. Cleared their whole schedules and everything for it. But then my mom got into this spiritual retreat that has a  _ huge _ waiting list—apparently it’s the one Beyonce likes—and my dad had to go and try to convince Lisa Vanderpump not to buy seventeen restaurants and turn her restaurants into a chain service, so they bailed.” 

He looks down on the floor. “I don’t even know why I got my hopes up.” He rubs his eyes and laughs, and the sound is harsh, biting, sending a cold knife into Devi’s gut. “They do this every time. And I let it hurt me every time.” 

“Ben,” she begins, but she doesn’t get far before he starts to speak again. 

“It’s like—I’m the idiot, you know? I’m the dumb one, I’m the fucking gullible one for thinking that they’d ever choose to spend time with me. No matter how many times they screw up, no matter how many times they leave me behind, I still love them. I still want them to choose me. I’m pathetic.” 

“No, no, Ben.” Devi says. “You’re not pathetic.” 

“What else would you call me, Devi?” He looks at her and she wants nothing,  _ nothing _ more than to take his pain and bury it, put it far far away where it can never touch him again. 

(and she’s so fucking mad she can hardly see straight, at ben’s parents, who treat him like this, because ben is—he’s  _ everything, _ and devi has no idea how anyone else can’t see that, has no idea how anyone can ever choose clients and retreats over their own son, especially when their kid is ben, one of the best people she knows, but this isn’t about her, this is about him, and she needs to be there for him, even if she’s not good at that) 

“I don’t learn my lesson,” he says, voice small. “I’m such a fucking idiot. I don’t learn my lesson—I can’t fucking understand. I’m not their first choice. I’ve never been anyone’s first choice. Even—even you. You married me because you wanted to stay in the States. You didn’t choose me.” 

He turns away from her then, clutching the kitchen table with a white-knuckle grip, and Devi doesn’t know how much more of this she can take, how much more pain she can feel. 

And yet, she knows it must be a fraction of what Ben feels right now. 

Devi’s never been good with words, at least, not emotional ones, and so she doesn’t speak. Instead, she steps forward, sliding her arms around his waist and pressing her forehead into his back. She has to show him, if she can’t tell him. 

“You’re right, Ben. I did marry you because I had to stay in the States. I wanted to stay here so badly, because I wanted to be near my friends, and I wanted to be here, to be the best doctor I could be.” She closes her eyes, feeling her throat close up, and forces herself to continue. “I didn’t marry you because I loved you, but you married me because you loved me. You gave up everything,  _ everything, _ so that I could have my dream, and we were barely even friends then. You did more for me than I’ll ever be able to know.” 

Under her skin, she feels Ben’s shoulders tense, but she shoulders on. “I don’t know how to repay you for everything you’ve done.” 

He turns around instantly at that, his hands framing her face so she looks at him. “You don’t have to.” 

“Let me finish, Ben.” Devi takes a deep breath, mirroring his position. She cups his face with her hands. 

“You weren't my first choice, Ben, you’re not wrong.” He closes his eyes, but she  _ needs _ to say this. “Open your eyes, please. Look at me.” Thankfully, he does so, and she can continue on. “But I was wrong about that. I was wrong not to have you as my first choice, because getting to know you now, I know you’re exactly the kind of person I  _ want _ as my first choice.” 

“Devi,” he begins, pulling away, but she clutches him tighter, refusing to let him go. 

“You’re not my first choice anymore, Ben. You’re my  _ only _ choice, in this world, in every world, every time. You’re the only one I want to choose. You’re the only person I want with me. You’re better than my first choice. You’re the only choice I want to make.” 

His gaze softens at that, though she can still see the pain lurking behind his eyes. “Devi.” 

“Will you shut up and just let me talk?” she snaps. “God, it’s like I can’t say anything without you interrupting.” 

He scoffs at that, but presses his lips together and nods. 

“I might not have married you for love, Ben, but I  _ do _ love you, and I don’t ever want this to end. I love you more than you could ever know, more than I think you’ll ever know. And I don’t want you to even think for another  _ second _ that I’m not here of my own free will. Ben, I’m stupidly in love with you. Like, so much it’s kind of embarrassing.” 

“I mean, I knew that, David. We all know you’re obsessed with me.” 

“What did I say about talking? I need you to understand this.” 

He closes his mouth, shutting it with an audible pop. She sighs, her grip on him softening. “I might not have had a choice at first, but I am choosing to stay here with you right now. I am making that choice every day, ok?” 

She swallows nervously then. Ben’s eyes dart over her face, as if he can’t take all of her in, as if she’s too much. 

And then his hands curl around her jaw the slightest bit and tilt up her head, and he’s kissing her.

She’s kissed Ben like this before, with a desperation laced in each touch, amplifying each touch and adding an extra layer of magnetism, but she’s never been  _ kissed _ like this before, like she’s the only thing on the planet, and as if he needs to convince himself of her existence. 

It’s overwhelming, in a good way, the way Devi thinks the men of Odysseus must have felt when they threw themselves overboard to put themselves at the mercy of the sirens, overcome with passion and emotion and desire, and needing nothing more than to hold onto that feeling of intensity, of too much, and yet, not enough. 

She drags him closer by his shirt, and barely stifles a moan when his tongue slips past her lips and tangles with her own. He always knows how to make her melt in his arms, to make her blind and impervious to the outside world and uncaring of anything else. 

(and when he kisses her even harder she wants to faint, crumple to the floor, because he’s trying to tell her something with his kisses, with the way he grips her close to him and the way his fingers curl into her back almost painfully, as if he’s trying to make sure she’s real. and what he’s trying to tell her feels like too much, like too too much, and yet, she wants to hear it badly) 

He pulls back from her suddenly then, leaving her gasping for breath, brain spinning at being brought back down from such an intense high, but he presses his forehead against hers and kisses her cheek, then her lips quickly, her nose, dropping kisses like snowfall over her face. “You won’t leave me?” he asks, voice breaking, and Devi digs her fingers into his shoulders, pure anger at those who made him feel that unsure. 

“I won’t leave you,” she breathes, wanting his lips back on hers like a physical ache. It’s like when he’s not kissing her, it hurts, and the hunger and pain only goes away when his mouth is on hers. 

“You want to be here?” he asks, as if to reassure himself. 

“I do.” 

Ben takes a deep, shuddering breath in then, and then buries his face in her neck, his other arm coming around to pull her closer to him. 

Devi hugs him back as tight as she can, ignoring that he’s holding her so tightly she can barely breathe now. She can feel the rapid beat of his heart, as if he’s terrified, and she pulls him closer. He’s safe, here, with her. 

She doesn’t let go of him until she feels his arms slacken around her and him begin to pull away. 

Ben’s jaw is tight as she runs her fingers over it, and his eyes, when they look at hers, are shining and so sad, she feels her heart bleed from the pain of it. “I just wish they wanted me more.”

“Oh, Ben.” 

He presses the heels of his palms to his eyes, and when he speaks, his voice is laced with a sob Devi can tell he’s trying to hold back. “They never wanted me around. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.” 

“Ben.” 

“Why? What is wrong with me? Maybe I just wasn’t worth sticking around for.” 

She’s never seen Ben fold in on himself like he does now, shoulders hunched, heaving in breaths so that he doesn’t start crying. Devi can’t—she can’t see him in pain like this, because not only does she love him and it breaks her heart to see him hurting, she  _ feels _ what he feels on such a visceral level that it hurts in her soul as well. 

(she thinks back to the big bang, when the universe first exploded, and though statistically, the chances of this happening are infinitesimally small, she thinks that the same energy that made her must have also made ben. why else would she feel like her very soul was tethered to his, like his heart beat in sync with hers?) 

“You’re wrong, Ben.” He won’t look at her in the eyes, and Devi doesn’t know  _ what _ the fuck she’s doing, because she’s absolutely  _ terrible _ at comfort, but she soldiers on nonetheless. “You’re wrong. Because there’s nothing wrong with you that would make anyone want to leave. You’re a good person, Ben, and it’s not your fault your parents can’t see that. It’s theirs. They need to be better to you.” 

He looks at her. “Is it pathetic that I just want them to love me as much as I love them?” 

“No. Of course not. It’s not pathetic at all, it’s  _ human.” _

Ben grazes her cheek with his fingertips, uncertainty warring in his eyes. “You don’t see whatever made them want to leave me?”

Oh,  _ fuck. _ “No, Ben. God, no. I just want to be  _ with _ you, all the time. I don’t know why they wouldn’t want to be with you.” 

He laughs bitterly, pushing away from her to go and sit on the couch, head in his hands. “Just wait, Devi. Sooner or later, you’ll realize, and leave me too. Everyone always does.” 

“What the fuck, Ben?” Damn, now she’s mad, and she’s not exactly good at stuffing down her emotions once they rise to the top. But she’s so goddamn frustrated and she doesn’t even know how to tell him what she sees in him. How can he not see it? It’s as clear as day to her. 

“You don’t get to decide that!” she snaps, stalking towards him. “You don’t get to tell me that I’m going to leave you when I know that I love you and I want to be with you. You don’t get to tell me what I’m going to do or make my decisions for me.” 

He stares at her with wide eyes, and she’s so fucking bad at this, but she doesn’t know how to say it in any other way. 

Devi crouches down so that she’s looking him in the eyes. “Listen to me very carefully, Ben. I am not going to leave you. I love you, and I will not have you sit here and wallow in self-pity when I know you are one of the best people I know. You start listening to me, ok? Please, just try.” 

Ben stares at her, wide eyed, and she’s pushed him too far, hasn’t she? Fuck, what if she’s driven him away? She’s not good at this, at soft words and reassuring glances. She’s blunt and to the point and—while she likes that occasionally—it’s probably not the best thing she could have done.

But then Ben laughs, and he’s leaning forward and pressing a kiss to her lips, soft and sweet and sure. “Thank you,” he says, running his thumb over the curve of her cheek. “I needed that.” 

Now that she’s sure he’s not mad, she smirks at him, moving from crouching in front of him to sitting next to him on the couch. “Well, I always was smarter than you, Gross. Looks like you need to start listening to me more.” 

She leans into his side as he curls his arm around her, holding her to him. “Yeah, yeah,” he mumbles into her hair, pressing a kiss there. “I’m sure that’s it.” 

Devi runs her fingers over his knee tracing nonsensical patterns over it. She’s not foolish enough to think that Ben’s issues are miraculously solved with this talk, just like hers weren’t, but it was good for him to get his feelings out, to say what he’d obviously been feeling for so long. And she had helped him, something she’d thought she’d never be able to do. 

“I love you,” he whispers. 

She tilts her head and smiles up at him, their noses brushing.

(there’s an easy sort of intimacy here, she thinks, the kind of intimacy that comes after a lot of hard work and nothing but pure affection for the other person. there are so many ways in which she loves ben; in part of the same way she loves her friends, a bond of trust and love and loyalty that cannot be broken; in part of the same way she loves her mother, with a knowing, deep in her gut, that she is tied to ben forever; and in a way entirely unique to him, a passion that surges and subsides like the tide, called into high or low by him, the moon. their love is like the sea, devi realizes, impossible to ever truly discover the depths of, unpredictable at times, stormy and rocky and tempestuous, whipping up gales and inspiring hurricanes, but also calm and beautiful and peaceful at other times, ease to lose yourself in and to lounge in forever. and like the sea, it is always there, welcoming her home)

He kisses her gently, soft lips brushing against hers, and while the familiar heat flares up in her gut as it always does, she tempers it, wanting to enjoy this moment. “I love you too,” she whispers, pulling away. 

“So, what do you want to do now?” 

Devi laces their fingers together and shuffles closer to him, pressing the line of her body up against his. “Just sit here.” 

“Just sit?” 

“Yeah.” 

“Ok then. Hey,” he says, glancing down at her. “Thank you.” 

“Any time, Ben. I mean it.” 

“Really?” 

“Duh,” she says. “I mean, I’m not the best at it, but I’ll always try.” 

“Yeah, I got that when you yelled at me.” 

She smacks him in the chest. “I was just trying to help.” 

“You did. Marginally, of course, David,” he smirks. 

“Oh shut up, Gross. You know I helped more than marginally.” 

“Perhaps.” 

That’s the most concession she’ll get from him, so she just holds her head high and smiles. “I’m amazing like that.” 

“Yeah, you kind of are.” 

“But like, it was also my turn. You’ve helped me so much with everything. I needed to help you.” 

He sighs, pressing his forehead against hers, and against her own wishes, her eyes drift closed. “You don’t have to repay me, Devi. I wanted to help you.” 

“And I wanted to help you.” 

A contentment settles into her bones then, sitting on their couch in their apartment together, quiet, easy, without trouble, and this, Devi thinks, will be one of those moments she remembers for the rest of her life. One of those days she will look back on, and of that day, this is the moment she remembers, the moment that shines golden in her memory. 

So she breathes out, and relaxes her shoulders, and enjoys the sunset with her husband. 

**Author's Note:**

> your comments and kudos make me happier than devi watching when harry met sally! come talk to me about the show! you can find me on tumblr: @[parkersedith](https://parkersedith.tumblr.com)


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